WARNING: This is an intense take on dissatisfaction and desire meant to help meditators understand their practice and overcome the mental hurdles of the process. Also, it’s interesting food for thought that might help us all question the consequences of wanting what we don’t have!
How do we squash our existential dissatisfaction?
There is an easy answer and a complicated one. Easy answer; make the necessary changes! Tired of your job? Get a new job. Relationship on the rocks? Go to therapy, have a few honest conversations, or end it. Unhappy with your body? Start working out or change your diet. Friends, children, siblings, or society at large disappointing you? Lead by example, educate, and inspire the change you wish to see. Stressed out? Take a bath or a nap, go for a walk, clean your home, or have a "you day". Start slow and steady. From baby steps to sprints, momentum will come. Satisfaction will re-emerge. These examples approach decreasing the dread of dissatisfaction by reaching for, building up, and then achieving the desired alternative. Finding the greener pasture is the strategy we often employ to overcome our disappointments. While this approach seems obvious it is not the only way. Its logic is relative. Its efficacy, debatable.
The complicated answer. No matter how many times we squash our discontent, eventually, it comes back! Meditative philosophy, especially the ascetic lineages of Hatha Yoga, Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism, believe the problem of discontent isn't so obvious as taking a bubble bath. It's not dissatisfaction that pains us, it's unquestioned systemic desire. The problem is we want what we don’t have. While that might not be a big deal for many of us who live very well with normal and healthy levels of dissatisfaction, for a meditator (especially while meditating) the friction of wanting disrupts their practice and prevents them from personally knowing the fabled bliss of a non-grasping mind. The solution, for meditators and non-meditators alike, is we need to stop wanting things.
Yuval Harari mentions in his epic book Sapiens that one of the three variables for wellbeing is expectations (the other two are biochemistry and a sense of meaning). When expectations are not met, we suffer a huge sense of loss, get reactive, and displace these difficult emotions. In other words, our fantasies of what life could be or should be wound us when we take them too seriously, no matter how noble or selfish they are. The choice to risk our well-being and the well-being of those we love for those fantasies is, of course, ours to make but life is a gamble and the odds are the house will often win in the end.
Here's an example; a doctor spends hours in surgery trying to save a patient's life. They are desperately committed. They WANT this person to live. The patient flatlines. There are few desires more worthy than saving another's life. If a doctor isn't capable of releasing the desire to save this life and embrace a destiny they couldn't sway, the weight of that death, that dissatisfaction, that failure, might prove too much. Those feelings very well could build up over time if self-care isn't taken seriously, and from that noble desire, they begin to deteriorate.
Not all examples are as extreme. Even the disappointment of picking a crappy restaurant can ruin an entire meal. Lesson; it is never easy to let go of desires but desire always comes with a price. That price is stress! This is the Buddha's great discovery and his first noble truth. If there were a Nobel Prize in Psychology 2500 years ago, Guatama Buddha would have surely been a candidate.
The consequence of unchecked desire is also elusive because it possesses gradually us over time. At this point, with a world made of advertisements, our brains are wired to crave! These cravings are by their nature ravenous and unending. From time to time we might acknowledge our habit of wanting when we notice the stack of Amazon boxes in the recycling bins but, in general, because it’s so normal it is invisible. Regenerating like the Greek serpentine hydra, desire is viral by definition. When one head is cut off, from the severed neck two more emerge. After a lifetime of satisfying desire after desire, we don't find ourselves with less, we find ourselves with more. From somewhere I read, the best way to check your success as a yogi is to count your desires. If you have more than you used to you are not practicing correctly.
Desire's viral nature is only half the story. The blade is double-edged. Desires, and the habit of fulfilling them, also tend to perpetuate preferences which narrow the possibilities of what does satisfy us. The result is everything outside of our particular wants becomes more and more repulsive. All of a sudden, only that one ice cream parlor will do and every other option of that cold, milky, sweetness will only trigger disappointment. "Yuk, this isn't as good as Salt and Straw!"
Before we attempt to raze our love of desire it's important to take this with a grain of salt. Desire comes with consequences, that's all. Just how the link between smoking cigarettes and cancer was widely unknown until the 1920s, the side-effects of desire are still grossly underestimated. Desire is powerful. It motivates us to change our lives and, for a few ambitious souls, perhaps the trajectory of their communities. Desire creates art, heals the sick, saves the broken, and fends off the injust. Desire does lead to greener pastures. But, it is a form of power, in the end, and like all forms of power, it must be channeled with wisdom and restraint... or else we burn. Desire in Sanskrit is called vasana and stems from Buddhi the fire nature of the mind for exactly this reason! It's also important to note if a desire is worth it, it's ok to burn. Every parent, lover, and revolutionary knows this.
As straight forward as the renunciates' ethos is (no desire means no dissatisfaction), I've found it is this principle spiritual lesson that proves most difficult for new meditators to understand and agree with. Yet, it is this fixation with desire that suspends success in a serious meditation practice! When we sit, we cannot want! Meditation is not a time to wish, beg, or manifest any craving other than the end of craving (according to the ascetic lineages). Even that craving would be better left behind. But, we just can't let it go. I'm uncertain of the neurology but I am certain there is a pathway in the brain and a gang of grey and white matter that are fully committed to the fantasy of a "better" anything and everything. I'm also uncertain if the mind can “not-want” philosophically or neurologically but this is the agenda, as paradoxical as it is.
Eknath Eswaran, author and meditator, rightfully believed the true universal religion of the modern age is the worship of pleasure and what we often desire most is just that, pleasure. One reason why this is the case is that we've been raised in a culture that encourages passion and the pursuit of preferences. Hence, the difficulty in looking the other way. To defy desire is to defy our culture itself. Another reason is because we unconsciously associate with and strangely AS the products we buy, the places we go, the achievements we accomplish, and the experiences we have. Our desires define us, whether we achieve them or not, as success stories or failures.
The West and East seem to be diametrically different in certain ways regarding the phenomenon of want. One main way is the revering of individuality versus the collective. It's I versus We. I heard this example in a mostly forgotten online video about Buddhism; a western child is raised to choose their lives and an eastern child is raised to accept it. Back to icecream. A 6 year-old western child is taken to the ice cream parlor and is generally asked by their parent, "What flavor do you want?" While an eastern child (the lecture specified an Indian child) is taken to the ice cream parlor and is simply given a certain flavor. As over-simplified and potentially untrue as this example is, it's helpful here. The habit of always choosing x over y teaches the western child that there are lesser and greater options and that they not only can choose but should choose. It is their God-given right as a sentient, autonomous, tiny consumer! The caveat is, a mind that has been trained to always compare every phenomenon, from brand of toothpaste to icecream flavor to career to spouse with a better alternative (real or imagined) leads to a psychological life spent splitting the world into sides. One side, the desired side, is generally minuscule compared to the vast regions of experiences labeled as disagreeable or undesired. Desire is a huge reason some of us feel disconnected from life or ourselves. What happens when this comparing is so engrained it becomes subconscious? All of a sudden, nothing is good enough and the world wilts into a war between side x and side y.
The truth is, most of us, most of the time whole-heartedly side with our desires and in that are loyal to our dissatisfaction. Another truth is, in general, it’s fine. "Yeah! Exactly! I want what I want!" This seeking of the preferred “thing”, at its worst, becomes entitlement. It’s an extreme example, but, no one wants to be that pop star who fires the intern because there are yellow skittles in the giant bowl of candy. Yet, that pop-star lives in all of us and I’m certain invades our blissful mental state from time to time.
So, let's assume this popstar was to take the leap and take a break from wanting x, y, z, alpha, and omega. The courageous leap wouldn't lead to a second rate version of existence, cursed by perpetual annoyance and FOMO. The addiction of yearning would dissipate over time. Yellow skittles would be welcomed. From enemy to friend! Once the chills of withdrawal passed, they would eventually be overwhelmed with the beauty, bounty, and richness of what reality provides in all moments. Satisfaction would surge to abnormal levels. Imagine if you had no desire. To crave nothing, truly, means deep, penetrating satisfaction. The yogis had a term for such abnormal levels of satisfaction, "God drunk."
And FINALLY, here are 5 simple ways to squash dissatisfaction and get drunk on the divine offering of existence (which involves diminishing desire). They are arranged from playful to serious.
1) Play something random on Netlfix, iTunes, and/or Spotify.
Break the algorithm! I recently noticed Netflix had a shuffle option. I smirked because I have often waisted far too much time scrolling through columns of movie thumbnails silently begging myself to just pick anything. But, committing 90 minutes to a random movie seemed and still seems worse than that, somehow. Desire strikes! But that shuffle option taunts me and compels me to do the yogic thing and let fate decide!
Playing a random song is far less of a commitment but the spirit is the same. Find loveliness in whatever song, movie, podcast, or video you or your device RANDOMLY selects!
If we can learn to enjoy every song and movie on the internet by exposing ourselves to all those “horrible” genres we just don’t get, yet, the internet will become a much more enjoyable place.
2) Let the waiter choose your dish
This follows the same principle. Be the feather in the wind and let someone else's preferences become yours.
3) Volunteer your time
Our desires are often self-centric. We crave our own needs. Even our selfless acts are cynically said to be done because it selfishly makes us feel better about ourselves. Regardless, devoting your most precious resources, time and energy, to yourself and family makes sense but giving that to strangers is often easier said than done. Back to Harari's variables of wellbeing; meaning. It might be dissatisfying conceptually but such a selfless act will certainly result in well-deserved pride.
4) Shave your head, cut it really short, or dye it a new color
imagine if we didn’t care about our style or aesthetic. Imagine if we could slide in to any hairdo or outfit and strut with unshaken confidence and self-love. Body shame and image-insecurity are big points of mental distress. Take the challenge and change it up!
There’s a reason many monks are bald. Shaving the head is a thing in many spiritual initiations because it forces someone to abandon their sense of self, and we all desire to have a strong sense of self! As previously stated, our desires are entwined with identity. Image is a huge part of that identity. As we curate our identity over the course of our lives, we shape ourselves in a way that attracts others to us. We want to look good. We want to be wanted. Our style, as much as we believe it is for us, is also for other eyes. Some may revel in being the outcast, but no one wants to be unwanted or ridiculed entirely. Even our former President, even Charles Manson, as controversial as they were, had fans and those supporting networks fueled them.
While most of the world isn't paying attention to us at all, we often think all eyes are looking. This makes it hard to change our image dramatically. Liberate the expression. Try something new! Disidentify and redefine!
5) Ask friends and family to share with you your weak points.
As social animals, I believe we desire both pleasure and social approval. In that, our identity is wrapped up in the desires we select, especially the desires we flaunt. Asking to be roasted takes guts and will force us to acknowledge all the ways we stumble as a friend, family member, and partner. I imagine what we'll hear is how we've been selfish in these relationships. A bitter moment will lead to a better one!
Now, the most traditional way to dismantle dissatisfaction and squash unending desire is to literally meditate. Not to think of meditation, not to read about it, not to talk about it with friends, but to sit down in profound stillness and silence. When meditating, our karma burns away and eventually we are liberated from the stress, grief, pressure, or limitations we place upon ourselves. (Confused about Karma? Write me an email!) Every second in meditation helps pay off the karmic debt we have amassed. To continue sitting, especially for longer and longer periods, demands we resist our cravings to feed our desires. Even the desire to move, eat, and interact with the world are restrained. These are basic, truly God-given desires, that are by no means wrong or dangerous. Yet, to restrain even these basic desires is to restrain all desires built from them. To meditate is to remove the weeds of wanting, root and stem.
When the weed of want is gone, the garden of satisfaction is more bountiful.
